The last few weeks have been pretty heavy.
I've been stressing out over my stepfather having open heart surgery last week, not being sure if he's going to make it through the surgery and anesthesia because of bad drinking/smoking habits. He was meant to have stopped doing both ages before the surgery, and to NEVER smoke again afterwards. He had some issues with stopping breathing in his sleep while in the ICU (sleep apnea), but he's pulled through okay and has come home now. To drink, and smoke. A lot.

I feel pretty helpless to stop him doing what he wants to his own body, but its a horrible thing to watch someone you love put themselves in that kind of risk :( I've had so many horrible wake up calls lately, I feel like I'm losing good people all around me all the time and that I'm going to spend my days watching mates drop away until its my turn..

Losing another mate just last night, to a heart attack (of all things) has stirred up a whole heap of issues for me that I'm not sure how to deal with.. According to the calendar I'm 23, but my brain feels like its hit 40, and my joints are creeping up on 60 :(
I'm worried that despite all the crazy shit I've gotten up to over the years, the awesome relationships and adventures I've had, I still feel like If I died today, that I'd have wasted my life.. So many childhood dreams that never worked out, and projects that never got completed.

I'm sick of being depressed, and as cliched as it sounds I'm gonna do my best to turn things around and start trying to live for every moment, and stop putting things off that I can do now. Big words that everyones probably thought before, but I'm really going to try.

First though, I'm going to be a hypocrite and go to my mates place for his birthday and drink. I hardly ever drink these days, but all the cool kids will be doing it so why not :P Afterwards, I'm seriously tempted to work on some self hypnosis, or go visit a hypnotist friend to get him to work out some issues that have been slowing me down for waaay too long. I've written up a big ass checklist of things I want done within the next few days, so I should probably stop rambling shit and get started.

Wish me luck.

Its 5am again, and I'm sitting in bed wishing I could just turn my brain off and pass out like the normals do, but I can't. I've had a long day, and I'm exhausted, but I've got too much going around in my head to be able to just switch off :(

It wouldn't be a smart move for me to just blast these thoughts onto the interwebs in a direct, stream-of-consciousness style, because I know it'll come back to haunt me, but I came so close. I actually sat here and typed about 3 pages of my deepest thoughts, urges, needs and insecurities before I thought "Fuck, other people actually read this.." and deleted it all. I wanna open up, and have these thoughts recorded for eternity, but at the same time I'm scared. Scared of people not understanding and thinking I've lost the plot, and terrified of causing problems for people I love..

So now, after massive editing we're left with this pointless shell of a post. It meant something once, but now its just confusing, rambling and odd. I suppose I should try actually putting something meaningful here to make up for it, so heres some deep thoughts off the top of my head:

Sometimes I wonder if our entire "physical" existence is just a simulation being played out by the deep underlying consciousness of our collective minds to bring on another level of spiritual evolution.

I believe that deep down our physical bodies only "exist" and have meaning and power because we, on a deeper spiritual level have chosen to exist and take part in a massive thought experiment to see if we can gain a deeper understanding of ourselves. Meaning that, when our bodies "die", its never an ending at all, and its just another point for "us" (being an all-encompassing, omnipotent, immortal, omniscient energy) to review what we have experienced through the time we've spent limiting ourself to this particular host body ("I saw my whole life flash before my eyes!").

This self reflection has no beginning or end, because time no longer has any meaning, and every little detail will be absorbed and remembered by our collective consciousness. This then gets passed on into the smaller subsections of our purposefully schizophrenic mind that we think of as individual people, to be filed away deep in the subconscious, and we don't necessarily "know" that we have this within ourselves, but its there.

I don't have the skills to get across my complete meaning, so I'm going to wrap this up for now, but I hope this makes sense to some of you, and doesn't just sound like the crazy ramblings of a sleep deprived nutbar.

I'll leave you with a relevant quote from one of my all time heroes, Bill Hicks (R.I.P):
(Now with Youtube goodness for those sick of reading)

"Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves."

Sneaky Ninja Update: Looking back at this after an awesomely refreshing 2hr powernap, I think I should mention that these beliefs have come from my own soul searching independantly, while I was in primary school and trying to figure out how I fit in to the world. Since then they've been reinforced, and backed up repeatedly by my interpretations of ancient writings/faiths (Hindu, Christian, Buddhist and the Koran for example). I see these themes come up over and over again, filtered by another persons interpretation but the basic themes are always the same. I'm really interested in paranormal research, even the "far out" stuff that a lot of people wouldn't pay attention to. What really blew my mind above all else was the first time I took strong acid and took the time to try to isolate my senses and meditate, (But thats a story for another day).

If you're interested in this sort of thing you should look into things like:

• Recollections of near-death experiences
• The amazing "Dmt: The Spirit Molecule" by Dr Rick Strassman (Amazing study, contact me if you can't afford it)
• The Erowid experience vault (Specifically the psychedelics - DMT, LSD, Salvia, Datura and Psilocybin)
• Listen to Joe Rogan and his views on life and dreams (mp3 here)
• Check out the Global Conciousness Project (redorbit article/comments)
• Read the works of David Icke with an open mind - Specifically "Tales from the Time Warp" chapter 12
• Check out my wishlist, specifically the Entheogens section..

Theres so many more brilliant examples to be found of people independently coming to the same conclusions, all throughout history. All you have to do is wake up, pay attention and open your mind to new ideas. I'd love to hear from people interested in this sort of stuff, so if you have anything to share feel free to comment or contact me..

I've got no good news to share, but its been too long since I posted..
So heres a bunch of little scribbles i"ve done, mashed up into a single rap..
I dont actually like how it flows in my head at all, and it needs more work before I was gonna show it to anyone, but I dunno if I'll ever finish it so here goes..

Brisbane Streets: (unordered, unfinished and emo)

I know I cant ryhme, this wont flow when I spit,
But I dont give a shit, cos these words are legit..

Got no cash, buds or clothes,
A loose tap in my nose,
cos thats how I roll,
now times taken its toll..

Don't judge me yet, theres heaps more to see,
I may not have much but at least im free..
I spend my days hustling, for food and for fun.
Making some cash, but then have to run..

I know that im stubborn, defensive and wierd,
And I look like your mum with this scraggly beard,
But im trying real hard to improve myself,
In a way so much deeper than material wealth.

It just shits me so much that I saw all this comin,
Trying so hard but I still end up bummin,
Just wanna relax, but I need to keep running..
Cant fuck up this job, or they'll all come gunning.

Lifes hard enough, but add assholes and jerks
Who dont understand that theres more then just work.
theres more to a person than how much they own,
What car they drive, and the size of their phone..

While your off buying crap with the platinum card,
Stuff you dont need, just to prove that your hard,
You really lost track of what matters the most,
and sold out your soul, for a piece of McToast..

But its not even hoarders that shit me the most,
Nor sheep, goths and emo's, or assholes that boast.
Its the emotional vultures that feed on my pain,
The strain of this game has corrupted their brain,
cruel jabs, cuts and headfucks, my torture was fun,
so they'll be the first, when I get my gun..

Drifting again,
lonely but free
I only wish,
you people could see..

Swap heads for a day, you try to be me
how long will you last, just living for free..
It changes you man, not having those keys,
Never forget we're just fucked up monkeys
Drop back down a notch, remember your needs,
and THEN try and say that nobody needs weed.

Gotta wrap this up because im rambling now,
I could carry on like this for hours and hours,
just the feelings I get when I drift on this train
Cant do this for long, im going insane..

I need a hug :(
Heres a quick run down so you can see where my head is right now.

I've had a really rough week, working my ass off trying to make enough money to pay some of my bills. I've made a heap of small investments with my little bit of cash, and its grown but not by enough to really help me out.

Besides the constant money stress, This weekend I had to deal with two mates passing away suddenly and the whole flood of emotions that come with something that heavy. I made it through friday without cracking, despite being extremely overtired, emotional and in need of a good mate to break down with and just be able to vent.

I have issues. I bottle a LOT of things up, to the point where I seem cold, heartless and emotionless to some people. Im not, Im the opposite but I constantly repress my pain and anger in a really unhealthy way that's going to eventually kill me on the inside. I need somebody I trust, someone that really knows me to be with me and help me unload my grief/rage in small, controlled bursts, or else I feel like im going to do something really stupid one day that I cant undo.

Fast forward to friday night: I spent the day running all over brisbane busting my ass trying to make some money so I could afford to drink the pain away later on. I finally get all the cash I need together at about 8pm friday and start the next huge mission to get all the way to the inner city to spend time with my girlfriend (Who I'd been dying to see for ages, and really needed to talk to)..

All I wanted was a hug at the door, and to go lay down and just brain dump and cry because I hadn't had any privacy for weeks. All I got was a grunt at the door, bitched at for being late, and then she goes and lays in bed, chucks a movie on and completely ignores me. No matter what I did or said I'd get the same fake-polite reponse from the one person that I thought was in love with me..

Then she got a phone call from her fuckbuddy, and sat and talked to him in front of me about how bored she is, and how bad she wants to go do something just to get away from me. This is right after ending all attempts at communication by repeating "Im completely exhausted, sick and tired and im going to sleep".
That hurt. A lot. :(

So she kicks me out onto the street at 1am with a $2 coin, no credit, no smokes and no way of getting anywhere, while she waited for her taxi off to fuck some random. This is after months of "Trust me", and really getting herself nestled deep in my brain and playing mind games. This skank even tried to make me get her pregnant and went on about marriage and shit. Not cool. If I sound bitter its because I am. I dont know how else to feel. Breaking up like this would have completely destroyed me if I was sane, emotionally balanced and in a good mood to begin with. But to have it happen on that day made me near suicidal.

Wandering the streets early morning in that frame of mind is not a good idea. I suppressed all the shit, grabbed my gear and wandered till I'd managed to find myself some smokes, cover from the rain and eventually even found a friendly ear to ramble with but all I wanted was to break down and bawl my eyes out..

I came home today for the first time in two weeks.
This is the first time I've been able to relax and sit down at relax and just exist alone for a bit without being hassled.. I finally have the privacy and a bed to pass out in and I just cant do it. I cant even make myself cry now, even though I have a constant feeling like my whole chest is being crushed by some massive pressure only I can feel. I look in the mirror and see my shell. The real me has withdrawn deep into my mind, and I cant talk to him anymore. I really dont think I'm ever going to be the same person again. Its like I've finally been broken, and I just want to barely survive alone and unhappy just to avoid the chance of this kind of hurt happening again..

Reading over this I feel really pathetic and emo, I just don't have the words to describe my thoughts and feelings as well as some can. I tried.

The point of the story was that if you talk to me in the near future I may not be all there for a while. Maybe for a long while. If I snap or skitz out, or dont take your problems seriously enough im sorry in advance. Please dont dump more issues on me and expect advice, I get this a lot and I cant deal with my own shit let alone yours. Just dont.

Looks like im gonna dissapear for a while

Things just keep getting worse..